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Jul. 25th, 2007

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Cupcake rework

I went downtown and got my cupcake touched up. Don't get me wrong. It was beautiful before but now the colors are just brighter and there's no dents. Got my toe (I'm toe shy as fuck so you won't be seeing any of that) tattoo touched up too.

Jul. 20th, 2007

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Godfuckingdamnit! Why won't the ladies of the world share some of their sex appeal with me? I look like a 14 year old girl with huge tits... I'm 'cute', sure... but I want to be HOT. I wish I could be one of those HOES but NOOOOOO, I'm too classy for all that.


Jul. 19th, 2007

A day late and a dollar short; story of my life.

I went to the doctor this morning. Diagnosis: Kidney/bladder/sinus infection and manic depression. The guy is great but I wish that for once he had something good to tell me. Now, I have antibiotics and medicine up the wazoo. I wouldn't let him prescribe any antidepressants because I don't believe in them.

I went to the grocery store deli down the street for a 99 cent burrito. Mind you, this is the last 99 cents I have to my name until I get paid. It was like heaven--the lady handed it to me and my tummy growled as if it were the last burrito on earth. I paid and began to walk away. Just as I open my mouth to take a bite, it slips out of the napkin and hits the floor in the frozen meat department. I look down in shock all the while thinking about both my empty refrigerator and tummy, I bend down, pick it up... and fucking ate it anyway.

Now, my belly is full.

Nothing will kill you, my friend. You are pure carbon.

There was something about him she wanted to learn, grow into, and hide in, where she could turn away from being an adult. There was some little waltz in the way he spoke to her and the way he thought...

Jul. 14th, 2007

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I found this entry from an old journal hiding on my computer. It really made me laugh because it feels like a lifetime ago. I've come so far since then.

If I had to sum up my day in one word, it would be audacious. Technically, my day started at one in the morning. I pretty much decided that my look was much too plain and that, for some reason, I needed green hair again. The parts are small, but it's there... and I'm happy. Immediately following the washing of my hair, Mug and I went to the bar. Usually the creepy guys in bars catch us off guard but this time... we were ready. Our ploy to keep them off of us was to insist we were lesbians and do anything necessary to make it believable. Without much question, our night continued. I came home, drunk, two hours before I was supposed to be at work. Somehow, prior to it actually happening, I thought it was a good idea. I woke up late and ran out of the house, still fully complete with 'the spins'. When I got to work, I was forced to start right away. No food, no water, nothing to calm this wretched hangover. I went through most of my day like this, still, without a doubt, selling my heart out. I hate the feeling that no matter how much I do at work, it's never good enough. I sold $3018.62 by myself. Another $100 and I'd have out sold the STORE manager... and I'm just lead sales. But no, Sarah do this... Sarah do that... Sarah put your phone away... Sarah clean more. *sigh*
Nearing the end of the night, a man comes and asks me for a pair of shoes. Thinking, since there was only one in the box, the other MUST be the display... I handed it to the guy. Very much to my dismay, the sizes didn't match. Fuck... So I spent the next 15 minutes looking for this damn shoe, weaning in and out of other potential sales. One woman comes up to me looking for a shoe we have called a GLOBE-Castro which are not manufactured in half sizes. After explaining this, I walked away to assist the man I was originally helping. After having to explain that we had no idea where the other shoe was, I walked up to the counter to explain my frustration to another employee. This woman has the nerve to come up, shove the shoe at me and ask "So are you going to give me my shoes or should I go somewhere else?". Excuse me, you fusty rough-hewn flax-wench, I don't care where you do your business... I have ZERO tolerance for rude people, so I told her. "I think the store next door sells them". In a rough hissy she stomps out of the store... Look, if you're going to be a cunt, I don't want you near me. I don't care if you're going to spend your $37.50 next door... I'll sell my shit to nice people who deserve it.

Just as my shift was about to end, I see a crazy looking woman fondling part of the pants section I'd just cleaned. I walk over and decide to exercise my selling skills by pitching a 'sale' we're having on the items. When she seems uninterested, I did what I do with every customer when they're not interested. I walk away. She grabs my shoulder and insists it'll be alright... then when I say I'm not offended, she grabs me again, this time in a bear hugging position, and won't let me go. Suddenly, she starts moving as if to emphasize happiness by swaying with me in her arms. Look lady, I just wanted to sell you some fucking pants. Now get off me.

This is what I looked like back then... visiting the fam for the holidays. That's my mother. This is probably the only picture of us in existance, because more often than not, we can't stand to be this close to eachother. My favorite part is that you can tell this Kodak moment was totally forced upon both of us.

Jul. 13th, 2007

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.

I assumed that happiness was an entity, while in fact all human happiness consists of a clever fusion of two elements: (1) the physical feeling of happiness, and (2) the external event providing the psychic impetus for that feeling.

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously near to wanting nothing. There are two opposing poles of wanting nothing: When one is so full and rich and has so many inner worlds that the outer world is not necessary for joy, because joy emanates from the inner core of one's being. When one is dead and rotten inside and there is nothing in the world: not all the love, food, sun, or mind-magic of others can reach the wormy core of one's gutted soul planet.

Jul. 11th, 2007

We do what we must, and call it by the best names.

Back in the day, I didn't mind pumping my own gas but that was when instructions were simpler: Remove nozzle, life handle, pump gas, heed the siren song of the attractively displayed chocolate cream horns at the cash register, pay the man.

Today's pumps are just irritating, carrying on little conversations on a screen: "Hi. Have a nice day. Do you wish to pay with credit or debit card? Cash? What are you, some kind of freak? If you used the pay-at-pump card, you could just drive away without feeling forced to buy that Slurpee the size of a thirty-gallon trash can, which, between you and me, it's painfully obvious you don't need.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Everything is holding its breath inside me. Everything is waiting to explode. I want to be all new and shiny. I want to sit out back at night, a boy around my neck and the wind under my skirt. Not this way, some evenings talking to the trees, leaning out my window, imagining what I can't see.

I could be so angry for whatever reason... at you, at me, and looking over at you so lost and confused as to what I'm thinking, the way your green eyes wander when I cry... The way you twirl my hair or hesitantly touch me in subtle ways to show that you care but you just don't know what to do... How can I, even if I had a legitimate reason, be mad that you took an hour and a half out of your poker time to find out why I looked so sad?

To give into complete satisfaction is to allow that it can disappear as quickly as it arrived. Once you feel it, you will want it forever. And you cannot have it forever. Because life is not perfect.

It's so hard for me to express things to you but sometimes I think you know without me having to say a word. I was trying so hard to mask the fact that I was upset just because I never want our time together to be anything but great; filled with smiles and kisses... I want to be the most understanding girlfriend in the world, give you anything that you need. I want you to think to yourself every day that you're lucky to have me... I want to give you the 'space' you need and the time without grief to spend with other people or doing other things... but at the same time, you should be flattered that I care so much about you, that your eyes, your smile, your smell, YOU are such a big part of my day that I feel empty without it. I know you think all of this revolves around me having low confidence or underlying problems with myself... and maybe in a sense, you're right. But really, I just can't imagine a day without you. You are what makes me happy... you ARE my everything. I know girls will constantly say that, but they will never mean it the way I do.

For each of us, I think, one person exists for whom we would change our whole world, though we never believe this until we discover ourselves ready to make that previously unthinkable change. Someone for whom we would leave everything we own, for whom we would travel to foreign lands and suffer foreign ways willingly, because when we discover that one someone, our home is no longer a thing with walls of stone and windows of glass. That one person becomes our home, and where he goes, there too is everything we value.

Please don't ever ask what I'd do without you... because if I never had you around, I'd find ways to cope. But having something sometimes and not having it others, throws someone like me for a loop. I seek for a guarantee. Which I'm sure you'd say is unhealthy.

Separate lives are fine, but shared life is something completely new and distinct. Even if the sharing is only for short times. Despite our closeness--or perhaps because of it--the hole seemed very far off, something half-recalled at the end of sleep. The world around me had been reduced to an encapsulation of a few hours; everything outside was dim and fogged. If we could live all our lives in the present with no recourse to what has gone before or what might yet be, things would be so much simpler. But in fact the here and now of life is all too often the least considered, while thoughts of the past and expectations of the future conspire to tangle our minds with irreconcilable regrets and hopes. That is part of what makes us the people we are, I suppose; but it was very good, for a little time, to ignore the outside and simply be together. Eventually we made off into our individual evenings, where different things would be demanded of each of us.

Jul. 10th, 2007

Time didn’t age me; memory did.

It pains me more than anything in the world to admit that I miss you. Things between us were so fucked... you took 5 years of my life and you flushed it down the toilet. You wore me down like sand from stone, and you never shed a tear. You weren't all bad. You did nice things for me once in a while, like when you decorated our apartment for Christmas just because you knew how pretty I thought the lights were. You made me feel worthless and you made me cry. But when it was all over, you carried me to the bathroom, filled the tub and put me in it. I remember you sitting on the floor next to the tub, just staring at me... looking so hurt and wondering what you did wrong. But it wasn't about what you did wrong, it was about all the times you held my life in your hands, every essence of me, and clenched your fist as hard as you could... reassuring yourself that you were in total control. All the times you left me crying in our bed, all the times you took off with her just to make me jealous, all the times you said things you knew would hurt my feelings... and all the times you kissed my forehead in the morning as I lay there pretending to sleep.

Deep down I knew some part of you was always sorry.. I just couldn't bring myself to forgive you... even for the little things. I have a new boyfriend now... and he's ten times the man you'll ever be. But... he's all about taking life seriously, when you knew when to just be stupid. God, you were such a retard. Nearly 23 years old, and still had the mentality of a 10 year old boy attached to his mothers fucking tit. I miss the way you used to go shopping with me and not let me buy anything... because you knew I'd never wear it. He doesn't know me as well as you did... That's partly because I haven't given him the same chance I gave you. I haven't known him as long... There are advantages to living with someone. When you're in an uncomfortable situation, it's harder to run away. This advantage is what made me hate you so much. But you were always there... whether we were screaming and throwing shit at each other, you were always there.

I miss the way you told me you loved me. Nobody's told me they loved me since you did last, and I don't even remember when that was. I'm guessing some time between our childs death and you fucking her in my house... Actually, I think it's been even longer than that. I don't know why I feel the way I do. I hate you more than anything... and yet I miss things about you. Is it because I don't know how to live my life without the misery you cause? Is it because it's hard for me to let go? Probably. I don't know how to be happy, and I can thank you for that. I'm a fraction of the person I used to be. Every day I was with you, I lost myself more and more... It's been an eternity and I still haven't regained a sliver of what you've taken from me. But I swear, I will spend every day of my life trying. I'll live better, and you'll suffer. And for once, you won't have me to save you.

Jul. 8th, 2007

The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work.

I hate when it feels like I'm the only one that is willing to make sacrifices. Anything in my life can be put on hold for you... but I come second to anything in yours. Not that it's a bad thing, just something I'll have to get used to. You're different than other things I've experienced and it's hard to adjust. I don't mean to complain... but I just don't feel like you're attracted to me. I know you care and you like to be around me... but god, make me feel sexy. The guy at Dairy Queen shows more sexual interest in me than you do and I'm to the point where I'm so desperate for attention I don't dodge his comments anymore. Though I'd never touch him with a 30 foot pole (not just because I'm with you) but I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel good. Someone called me beautiful today and I smiled... but now I feel guilty for enjoying it because it wasn't you.

Work is where it's at. I never thought I'd say it but work is the best thing in my life--at this very second. It never deceives me, always makes me feel good, everyone there makes me feel wanted all the time, we have fun, I make money. Who could ask for more?

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